By Lisa Sellenger
It is perfectly normal for conflict to occur in any relationship. The notion of two people agreeing on everything all of the time is unrealistic, and so a certain amount of conflict is natural and even healthy. However, regular conflict and that which provokes one or both parties to become angry can become distressing and have a very detrimental effect on the relationship. Learning to manage your anger and deal with your conflicts in a productive, rational and considerate manner will allow you to move on from your disagreements, even if ultimately you don’t agree. But a loss of anger and control can prolong the conflict, drive a wedge between you and your partner, and in severe cases even spell an end to the relationship. Here are some tips on how to keep your cool and deal with the conflicts in your relationship in a healthy way.
Walk away
If you can feel that a disagreement is growing heated and there is no resolution in sight, then make your excuses and calmly walk away; that doesn’t mean flouncing or storming off. When emotions are running high it is much more difficult to rationalize our thoughts and feelings, let alone see things from another person’s perspective. Taking some time out to calm down will not only put you in a better frame of mind to deal with this conflict, but it will give you the chance to reflect on the disagreement and plan your calm, well-executed response.
Avoid cyber conflict
If you are having a disagreement with your partner then try your best to refrain from doing it via text, email or other electronic means. Discussions of a difficult or delicate nature cannot always be conveyed properly this way, and it is easy for someone’s point of view to be misinterpreted. The other negative point is that you may not receive a response for hours, giving you a long time to stew and become irritable by your partner’s careless choice of words. When you do eventually get to speak to them you may already be in a pre-conceived state of grumpiness for no reason and this will seriously hinder your chance of making peace quickly. These conversations are best had face to face where there is less chance of misunderstandings occurring.
Try to use both internal and external perspectives
When trying to resolve a conflict, it is important to look at the argument from both points of view. Clearly you know your own opinions, but sometimes it is worth taking a step back and asking yourself if you are really being reasonable. Were you in a bad mood before this discussion started? Are you maybe misinterpreting what your partner has said? Is this really something that you feel strongly about, and just how far are you willing to go to make your point known? At the same time, look at things from your partner’s perspective. Empathy is a useful tool here because if they are angry at you, trying to understand the reason why can actually help you diffuse the situation and prevent you from responding with anger. You may not agree with their points but understanding their reasoning will help you to come to a conclusion.
Be respectful, empathetic, and supportive
Even if you think a partner’s point of view is ludicrous, you should still remain respectful towards them during conflict. Using humour to try and diffuse difficult situations is fine, but dismissing their ideas, mocking them or being otherwise derogatory is not a good way to deal with a difference of opinion. If you find that either of you are resorting to name-calling or personal insults, then the disagreement has already gone too far and you should walk away until you can calm down. Being disrespectful in any way during an argument is a sure fire way to create hostility and bad feeling, which could result in angry outbursts from either side.
Remember that each of us suffer from personal insecurities and internal struggles – using this against your partner is a really terrible way to treat them. If you know that your partner struggles with a difficult issue which can be hard to understand and relate to such as an anxiety or eating disorder, for example, and then you resort to calling them ‘fat’ during a time in which you have lost your temper, then you are emotionally abusing them, beating down their self-esteem and potentially causing lasting damage not only to the relationship but to them as people. It is important to leave criticism aside and look into how you can help your partner through their difficult period, showing the right amount of compassion as well as learning how to place guidelines and a disciplined approach to recovery. Studies from Pennsylvania, a state which offers numerous resources for various struggles such as eating disorders, states that a healthy relationship through communication and mutual respect is the key to a healthy life, going as far as to suggest that those who have never been married are twice as likely to die early than those who have been in a stable relationship through adulthood.
The best way to resolve a conflict without becoming angry is to agree to disagree. Sometimes it is necessary for your partner to understand and meet your needs but other times you do need to recognize that they are entitled to their opinions too, and it is not your place to mould or change their views on the world. Try to remember that having different views, hobbies and personalities is a positive thing that will keep your relationship fresh and interesting. Having a conflict is about communication, airing your differences and coming to a positive conclusion that suits you both. It is not about winning or losing a battle, so bear this in mind and understand that sometimes a mutual respect for each others’ opinion is necessary to move forward.