In this third and final blog about parenting, here are some attitudes that govern how adult children at each stage view taking care of their aging parents. Those in quotes are actual verbatim statements:

• Stage One―“What did they ever do for me?” Ones are also likely still to feel entitled to be on the receiving end, no matter how incapable their parents are of giving. Ones are least able to accept the reality of when parents die or are close to death, regardless of their age, health, or other circumstances. For Ones, it’s just about always about themselves, and how almost any circumstance that occurs makes them a “victim.”
• Stage Two―“Now it’s my turn for revenge.”
• Stage Three―“Now I make the rules”. ”Children should ‘take care’ of their parents when they grow old.”
• Stage Four―“Maybe now they will finally recognize/ love me.”
• Stage Five―“Taking care of them is my duty. In addition, “saving money now by taking care of them myself is a way I can maximize my inheritance”. However, Fives are quite likely at times to find the experience fatiguing, overwhelming, and in conflict with other aspects of life.
• Stage Six―“It’s an opportunity to strengthen and complete our relationship while there is the chance.”
• Stage Seven―“It’s an honor and a graciously loving endeavor to give back.”

If there were truly a “selfish” reason to climb to those target stages as a parent, it would be to anticipate that time when the tables are turned. This calibration is one I’ve seen in play many times. And in reality, it’s often a predictable consequence of the example you set that your adult children follow.

On this second of three blogs on parenting, let’s take a look at this crucial role by the stages of the parents:

• Stage One―Parents who themselves operate as Ones―regardless of the age of their child―may expect and encourage their children to become “parentified” (which means for the child to act in the role as the parent in one or more major ways), and thus take care of them.
• Stage Two―Stage Two parents may be very neglectful or abusive emotionally, physically, morally and/or even sexually for no reason, of course, that even pretends to benefit their children. For example, in extreme cases, Twos have been known to use their children to beg, steal, in some cases even deal drugs for them or worse. Unfortunately, many of the parenting stories  we see in the news, nowadays is about people who parent from this dark stage.
• Stage Three—While teaching rules and values are essential elements of parenting, it’s not hard to see how Stage Three parents who make it a practice to rule their kids by fear and extremely harsh discipline, usually miss the mark. In this present era, children of all ages (and others in their lives, such as teachers) have access to many resources and much information that they didn’t have in past generations. Therefore, any extreme approach that puts the emphases on fear and other types of harsh behavior may now even be considered emotionally or physically abusive. At best, these anachronistic measures don’t translate to effective discipline. Moreover, highly authoritarian Stage Three parents generally have much difficulty being successful with adolescents―in particular― who may rebel to a dangerous degree on the one hand, or, on the other hand, become so fearful that they remain Threes both throughout and long after adolescence.
• Stage Four— Stage Four parents are often obsessed with being loved, respected, and considered a “friend” by their children.
• Stage Five―Fives consider parenting their children another major role, albeit an extremely important and rewarding one; and certainly try to do the right thing.
• Stage Six―Those who parent from Stage Six will rarely miss an opportunity to learn more ways to be effective. Parenting is often seen as the most joyous, rewarding, and loving part of life. Observing each aspect of a child’s growth can be a mesmerizing experience. Sixes both appreciate and encourage their children’s uniqueness. They make a genuine effort to be mindfully present when interacting with their child.
• Stage Seven―Part of parenting your child from Stage Seven is to see that role as a calling, where putting your needs aside and sacrificing when necessary is done as a labor of love and purpose, never out of guilt or obligation. Many Sevens choose to become foster parents, adopt needy children, or find and serve in some mission involving children, when unable to have their own or when their own children are grown.  And Sevens certainly draw and expand upon what’s typical at Stage Six, above.

This calibration simply asks you to look at your own values and default stage as a parent and then ask yourself whether you are getting the result that you want.

A key to good parenting is to compliment what’s both age and stage appropriate. Consider this as a very basic guideline for ideal parenting at each stage of the child (Note: Next Tuesday’s blog will address the stages of the parents):

• Stage One―To provide unconditional love, nurturing, care, and safety during the first year of life.
• Stage Two―To let the toddler explore, while teaching/setting limits and minding his or her physical safety, are the principal tasks here. Most importantly (and at times most difficult), is not to act out your own frustrations and emotions—especially anger—on to your child. This period can be thought of as a trial run for when your child becomes an adolescent, a stage that’s a lot less demanding physically, but can be much more demanding emotionally.
• Stage Three―To provide a solid structure and resolve to do whatever it takes to teach those complex yet basic rules of life patiently. These are your main challenges with Stage Three children. By providing loving guidance along with appropriate discipline, children have the best possible environment to learn all about what it takes not only to fit in, but also to thrive and begin to discover their own uniqueness via early target stage hooks.
• Stage Four―To encourage self-exploration while carefully and lovingly setting limits, letting go and allowing your adolescent to make his or her own mistakes—all the while remaining a safety net and a source of love, support and guidance that he or she can turn to as needed. However, it’s also crucial to provide discipline and “tough love” whenever an adolescent child crosses the line. This could be your last opportunity to be the  principal source of influence for your child.
• Stage Five―You have a certain number of years to influence your children by example. Chances are that whatever they have not learned from you—regardless of whether or not that was by choice—by the time they reach Stage Five, they will choose to learn elsewhere. So let go of any need to control their lives. Allow and honor the right of your adult children to be independent and different from you. You will command respect by doing that, without having to demand it.
• Stage Six―By the time they reach this stage, hopefully you and your children are “emotional equals.” However, you are obviously still the parent … You are parenting your children as Sixes whenever you are enjoying the process of helping them grow in their own direction … (Sadly, parents in lower stages will often have difficulty understanding and appreciating their children in the highest stages.)
• Stage Seven- You only need be proud and feel gratified for having been able to model/encourage Stage Seven behaviors as a parent at those times are when you put your own needs aside for those of your children, without inducing guilt and by teaching the values of service. To the extent that your children operate as Sevens, they have internalized those values … Respect from your children then flows back to you synergistically.

Where have you noticed that this difficult balancing act called parenting could use a tweak? You may find it helpful to use these basic guidelines to fine-tune your approach, by the stage(s) of your child(ren).

Since this is Valentine’s Day, I thought we’d take a look at how we view sex — an important aspect of love relationships—by the stages. Regardless of your relationship status right now, see which of these common attitudes most resonate with you. Those in quotes are verbatim accounts:

• Stage One―“Putting out” is necessary to keep your partner happy and the relationship intact… On the other hand, Stage One is also the stage that is most identified with sexual addiction, where a partner is somewhere between difficult and impossible to satisfy sexually (as is the case with most addictions) and therefore might put all aspects of his or her relationship (and/or life) at risk. Sex addicts typically believe that sex is exclusively about their own pleasure; and that sex partners are “objects” who exist solely for that purpose.
• Stage Two―“Sex is a means by which to manipulate and control or truly humiliate the other person” … “I am entitled to be as promiscuous as I care to be”… ”I will indulge in whatever comes my way.” (Sometimes both the intention and way sexual addiction is acted out can make it a Stage Two endeavor as well as Stage One.) On the other hand, wildly uninhibited and/or kinky sex between consenting adults can also be an expression of healthy Stage Two hooks.
• Stage Three―“Sex comes with a set of rules (sometimes merely assumed), and should only be done the right way”. For example, between married people, in the bedroom, a certain number of times a week/month/year, missionary position, lights out, etc. … Strong belief usually prevails that infidelity is always—and perhaps unforgivably—wrong.
• Stage Four―“Sex is one way I feel needed and loved by my partner”… ”Having sex is sometimes necessary to avoid rejection”… In addition, Fours sometimes use sex as an anxiety reducer.
• Stage Five―“In addition to procreation, sex is a healthy, normal, and good way to have pleasurable sensations as well as an important part of any marriage or love relationship.” … “Sex is not always orgasmic, but it usually feels good, satisfies my sex drive, and is rarely a relationship issue.” Both partners generally see it as a form of “adult play,” agree on frequency, preferences regarding how to do it, and the way it is initiated.
• Stage Six―“Sex with my partner is an ecstatically pleasurable and (usually) orgasmic experience!” Now we’re getting to the spirit of Valentine’s Day!
• Stage Seven―“Sex is a way to deepen the loving connection, sometimes even in a spiritual way, between me and my partner. We love and care greatly for each other.”

There are few discussions that you and your partner might enjoy more than how to bring your default stage as sex partners to those target Stages Six and Seven. For most couples this can have positive ripple effects for every aspect of your relationship!

Start by sharing something your partner may not know (or may have forgotten) about you and what you enjoy sexually. Then reciprocate by listening to your partner’s preferences. As simple as that sounds, many couples stop enjoying sex together as they once did because each partner thinks that the other one “should know” or “doesn’t care.” This is needless, sad and most importantly, avoidable!

Last week, I posted some examples of the most common attitudes or beliefs behind the hooks that disrupt your stage climb, by the seven stages. These are a few of your ideal attitudes to choose for removing a lower-stage hook in any area of your life and climbing to a higher stage. Tweak them to fit you exactly and then use them as motivators whenever you need to throughout your Stage Climbing process:

• Stage One―“I am tired of being dependent and relying on others. I now want to begin taking charge of my own life.”
• Stage Two―“Being excessively self-absorbed, has thus far not gotten me what I thought it would, what I truly wanted or satisfaction around what I have achieved.”
• Stage Three―“I am ready to start examining the unquestioned rules I have lived by (and/or that I have demanded others live by), and even to consider being more flexible and open to new ideas that are a better fit for me and my life.”
• Stage Four―“People who won’t accept me for who I am are no longer worth my time and attention. There is much more to life than putting boundless energy into fitting in and/or the hope of getting others to admire or envy, love, and/or approve of me.”
• Stage Five―“I want to be doing what I love, what makes me feel best about myself, and to feel rewarded internally (as well as externally).”
• Stage Six―“Life is good; but there is more to life than my own gratification. It’s time to focus on the world that’s larger than myself.”
• Stage Seven―“On to the next (perhaps even a bigger or more challenging) mission!”

If we think of a computer as a metaphor for the mind, then our beliefs would constitute our operating system. It is our beliefs that create anger in us when someone treats us poorly, anxiety when faced with a difficult challenge or depression when we fail at something. A major aspect of the Stage Climbing process is to change the attitudes and beliefs―ones that underlie any unwanted hooks to the lower stages―to beliefs consistent with your target stage. The more you do that, the more your “operating system” will be an indicator of the choices you have made as an adult, rather than  a collection of self-defeating assumptions that may have been with you since before you can even remember.

The best news is that you can pick the beliefs and attitudes

The presidential debates are getting more and more interesting. However, in my opinion, there’s just one thing to be watching for at this point—how the candidates handle conflict, as conflict resolution skills is job one for anybody who would even think of pursuing that job. As the election gets closer, I’ll revisit this and break down each candidate by the stages. For now, let’s just observe the patterns of each one.

So here’s how conflict is typically handled, by the stages:

• Stage One―By doing what is easiest, such as latching on to, surrendering and/ or allowing some stronger or “more capable” to take over the situation, thus allowing you to disown the conflict. 
• Stage Two―By using some form of deception or strong-arm tactic (or doing whatever you have to do, (sometimes even without limits) to assure that you get your way. Thus, to get what you want at Stage Two, you might be extremely charming to manipulate someone, and extremely brutal to bully, manipulate, or force them, or any unique combination thereof―that is whatever it takes to control, overpower and win. 
• Stage Three―By following a set of black-and-white rules that clearly dictates who or what is right and who or what is wrong. Ideological extremism to please “the base” often drives a candidate at this stage.
• Stage Four―By taking the road that produces the most validation from others and the least anxiety (no matter how things shake out).
• Stage Five―By evaluating whether or not and how the source of your conflict is related to your bigger picture, then by taking the action(s) that come as close as possible to rebalancing things.
• Stage Six―By doing what feels consistent with your own core principles and purpose on a heartfelt level. 
• Stage Seven―By carefully listening to all points of view, considering each possibility, then making the decision or taking the action(s) that comes closest to best serving everyone involved―then staunchly standing by your decision or action, if necessary.

I won’t attribute default stages to any of the candidates yet, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could see more action at Stages Six and Seven? Watch how this crucial trait plays out in the candidates as the campaign gets more and more intense.

In last week’s blog, I gave you some tools to get into a peak state and identify the one big thing you would like to accomplish in 2012. If you missed that January 3^rd post, I suggest you scroll down and give it a read.

Now it’s time to get down to business, simply by setting timelines for completing you goal and then breaking your one big thing down to small manageable pieces or sub-goals that you both can and even more importantly will do by the timetable you’ve set in order to bring your goal to fruition. Of course, you’re not limited to one thing. You can have as many big goals as you want, as long as the goals themselves don’t become burdens that serve little purpose but to overwhelm you. In other words, concentrate at least for now, on   what you are serious about accomplishing—be it a health, relationship, career, parenting, educational or spiritual goal.

Anything you have ever read about setting and accomplishing a goal has some variation of these ingredients. So in reality this is not rocket science, it’s just common sense. The question is how do you fall off the wagon when you set a goal and fail to accomplish it? For example, by procrastination? By trying to do too many things at once and as a result doing nothing? By setting goals you think you “should” set, but aren’t really committed to? Make a list of ways that this could predictably happen; and next to each item you’ve listed put in one or two preemptive strategies to make sure it doesn’t happen this time.

Now consider this: If you could have any mentor in the world (who is ether alive today or has ever lived), who would that person or those persons be? Write a short essay—even a paragraph or two—on how that person would achieve (or advise you to handle or achieve) your big goal. What do your “mentors” believe about your goal that you would be much better off believing? Keep in mind the fact that you can have as many of these kinds of “mentors” as you want—even different ones for different things you’re trying to accomplish. With this exercise, think of them (your “mentors”) as your “strongest self” (or even the voice of that part of you that “could accomplish anything” you set out to do) which you can access 24 hours a day.

Is there an actual mentor, coach, or therapist who is now available to you in person that you could reach out to for help in manifesting your goal or removing one or more obstacles to it? The best mentors for you are generally people who have and are still accomplishing for themselves what you are now striving to do. If you’re unable to get off the dime or you can see yourself falling into one of those predictable traps on your list, consider getting the help you need to get moving―now or as soon as possible―as an important step in your manifesting you goal. Remember, time is the one commodity that cannot be replaced, once it’s gone.