A key to good parenting is to compliment what’s both age and stage appropriate. Consider this as a very basic guideline for ideal parenting at each stage of the child (Note: Next Tuesday’s blog will address the stages of the parents):

• Stage One―To provide unconditional love, nurturing, care, and safety during the first year of life.
• Stage Two―To let the toddler explore, while teaching/setting limits and minding his or her physical safety, are the principal tasks here. Most importantly (and at times most difficult), is not to act out your own frustrations and emotions—especially anger—on to your child. This period can be thought of as a trial run for when your child becomes an adolescent, a stage that’s a lot less demanding physically, but can be much more demanding emotionally.
• Stage Three―To provide a solid structure and resolve to do whatever it takes to teach those complex yet basic rules of life patiently. These are your main challenges with Stage Three children. By providing loving guidance along with appropriate discipline, children have the best possible environment to learn all about what it takes not only to fit in, but also to thrive and begin to discover their own uniqueness via early target stage hooks.
• Stage Four―To encourage self-exploration while carefully and lovingly setting limits, letting go and allowing your adolescent to make his or her own mistakes—all the while remaining a safety net and a source of love, support and guidance that he or she can turn to as needed. However, it’s also crucial to provide discipline and “tough love” whenever an adolescent child crosses the line. This could be your last opportunity to be the  principal source of influence for your child.
• Stage Five―You have a certain number of years to influence your children by example. Chances are that whatever they have not learned from you—regardless of whether or not that was by choice—by the time they reach Stage Five, they will choose to learn elsewhere. So let go of any need to control their lives. Allow and honor the right of your adult children to be independent and different from you. You will command respect by doing that, without having to demand it.
• Stage Six―By the time they reach this stage, hopefully you and your children are “emotional equals.” However, you are obviously still the parent … You are parenting your children as Sixes whenever you are enjoying the process of helping them grow in their own direction … (Sadly, parents in lower stages will often have difficulty understanding and appreciating their children in the highest stages.)
• Stage Seven- You only need be proud and feel gratified for having been able to model/encourage Stage Seven behaviors as a parent at those times are when you put your own needs aside for those of your children, without inducing guilt and by teaching the values of service. To the extent that your children operate as Sevens, they have internalized those values … Respect from your children then flows back to you synergistically.

Where have you noticed that this difficult balancing act called parenting could use a tweak? You may find it helpful to use these basic guidelines to fine-tune your approach, by the stage(s) of your child(ren).

Since this is Valentine’s Day, I thought we’d take a look at how we view sex — an important aspect of love relationships—by the stages. Regardless of your relationship status right now, see which of these common attitudes most resonate with you. Those in quotes are verbatim accounts:

• Stage One―“Putting out” is necessary to keep your partner happy and the relationship intact… On the other hand, Stage One is also the stage that is most identified with sexual addiction, where a partner is somewhere between difficult and impossible to satisfy sexually (as is the case with most addictions) and therefore might put all aspects of his or her relationship (and/or life) at risk. Sex addicts typically believe that sex is exclusively about their own pleasure; and that sex partners are “objects” who exist solely for that purpose.
• Stage Two―“Sex is a means by which to manipulate and control or truly humiliate the other person” … “I am entitled to be as promiscuous as I care to be”… ”I will indulge in whatever comes my way.” (Sometimes both the intention and way sexual addiction is acted out can make it a Stage Two endeavor as well as Stage One.) On the other hand, wildly uninhibited and/or kinky sex between consenting adults can also be an expression of healthy Stage Two hooks.
• Stage Three―“Sex comes with a set of rules (sometimes merely assumed), and should only be done the right way”. For example, between married people, in the bedroom, a certain number of times a week/month/year, missionary position, lights out, etc. … Strong belief usually prevails that infidelity is always—and perhaps unforgivably—wrong.
• Stage Four―“Sex is one way I feel needed and loved by my partner”… ”Having sex is sometimes necessary to avoid rejection”… In addition, Fours sometimes use sex as an anxiety reducer.
• Stage Five―“In addition to procreation, sex is a healthy, normal, and good way to have pleasurable sensations as well as an important part of any marriage or love relationship.” … “Sex is not always orgasmic, but it usually feels good, satisfies my sex drive, and is rarely a relationship issue.” Both partners generally see it as a form of “adult play,” agree on frequency, preferences regarding how to do it, and the way it is initiated.
• Stage Six―“Sex with my partner is an ecstatically pleasurable and (usually) orgasmic experience!” Now we’re getting to the spirit of Valentine’s Day!
• Stage Seven―“Sex is a way to deepen the loving connection, sometimes even in a spiritual way, between me and my partner. We love and care greatly for each other.”

There are few discussions that you and your partner might enjoy more than how to bring your default stage as sex partners to those target Stages Six and Seven. For most couples this can have positive ripple effects for every aspect of your relationship!

Start by sharing something your partner may not know (or may have forgotten) about you and what you enjoy sexually. Then reciprocate by listening to your partner’s preferences. As simple as that sounds, many couples stop enjoying sex together as they once did because each partner thinks that the other one “should know” or “doesn’t care.” This is needless, sad and most importantly, avoidable!

Last week, I posted some examples of the most common attitudes or beliefs behind the hooks that disrupt your stage climb, by the seven stages. These are a few of your ideal attitudes to choose for removing a lower-stage hook in any area of your life and climbing to a higher stage. Tweak them to fit you exactly and then use them as motivators whenever you need to throughout your Stage Climbing process:

• Stage One―“I am tired of being dependent and relying on others. I now want to begin taking charge of my own life.”
• Stage Two―“Being excessively self-absorbed, has thus far not gotten me what I thought it would, what I truly wanted or satisfaction around what I have achieved.”
• Stage Three―“I am ready to start examining the unquestioned rules I have lived by (and/or that I have demanded others live by), and even to consider being more flexible and open to new ideas that are a better fit for me and my life.”
• Stage Four―“People who won’t accept me for who I am are no longer worth my time and attention. There is much more to life than putting boundless energy into fitting in and/or the hope of getting others to admire or envy, love, and/or approve of me.”
• Stage Five―“I want to be doing what I love, what makes me feel best about myself, and to feel rewarded internally (as well as externally).”
• Stage Six―“Life is good; but there is more to life than my own gratification. It’s time to focus on the world that’s larger than myself.”
• Stage Seven―“On to the next (perhaps even a bigger or more challenging) mission!”

If we think of a computer as a metaphor for the mind, then our beliefs would constitute our operating system. It is our beliefs that create anger in us when someone treats us poorly, anxiety when faced with a difficult challenge or depression when we fail at something. A major aspect of the Stage Climbing process is to change the attitudes and beliefs―ones that underlie any unwanted hooks to the lower stages―to beliefs consistent with your target stage. The more you do that, the more your “operating system” will be an indicator of the choices you have made as an adult, rather than  a collection of self-defeating assumptions that may have been with you since before you can even remember.

The best news is that you can pick the beliefs and attitudes

The presidential debates are getting more and more interesting. However, in my opinion, there’s just one thing to be watching for at this point—how the candidates handle conflict, as conflict resolution skills is job one for anybody who would even think of pursuing that job. As the election gets closer, I’ll revisit this and break down each candidate by the stages. For now, let’s just observe the patterns of each one.

So here’s how conflict is typically handled, by the stages:

• Stage One―By doing what is easiest, such as latching on to, surrendering and/ or allowing some stronger or “more capable” to take over the situation, thus allowing you to disown the conflict. 
• Stage Two―By using some form of deception or strong-arm tactic (or doing whatever you have to do, (sometimes even without limits) to assure that you get your way. Thus, to get what you want at Stage Two, you might be extremely charming to manipulate someone, and extremely brutal to bully, manipulate, or force them, or any unique combination thereof―that is whatever it takes to control, overpower and win. 
• Stage Three―By following a set of black-and-white rules that clearly dictates who or what is right and who or what is wrong. Ideological extremism to please “the base” often drives a candidate at this stage.
• Stage Four―By taking the road that produces the most validation from others and the least anxiety (no matter how things shake out).
• Stage Five―By evaluating whether or not and how the source of your conflict is related to your bigger picture, then by taking the action(s) that come as close as possible to rebalancing things.
• Stage Six―By doing what feels consistent with your own core principles and purpose on a heartfelt level. 
• Stage Seven―By carefully listening to all points of view, considering each possibility, then making the decision or taking the action(s) that comes closest to best serving everyone involved―then staunchly standing by your decision or action, if necessary.

I won’t attribute default stages to any of the candidates yet, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could see more action at Stages Six and Seven? Watch how this crucial trait plays out in the candidates as the campaign gets more and more intense.

In last week’s blog, I gave you some tools to get into a peak state and identify the one big thing you would like to accomplish in 2012. If you missed that January 3^rd post, I suggest you scroll down and give it a read.

Now it’s time to get down to business, simply by setting timelines for completing you goal and then breaking your one big thing down to small manageable pieces or sub-goals that you both can and even more importantly will do by the timetable you’ve set in order to bring your goal to fruition. Of course, you’re not limited to one thing. You can have as many big goals as you want, as long as the goals themselves don’t become burdens that serve little purpose but to overwhelm you. In other words, concentrate at least for now, on   what you are serious about accomplishing—be it a health, relationship, career, parenting, educational or spiritual goal.

Anything you have ever read about setting and accomplishing a goal has some variation of these ingredients. So in reality this is not rocket science, it’s just common sense. The question is how do you fall off the wagon when you set a goal and fail to accomplish it? For example, by procrastination? By trying to do too many things at once and as a result doing nothing? By setting goals you think you “should” set, but aren’t really committed to? Make a list of ways that this could predictably happen; and next to each item you’ve listed put in one or two preemptive strategies to make sure it doesn’t happen this time.

Now consider this: If you could have any mentor in the world (who is ether alive today or has ever lived), who would that person or those persons be? Write a short essay—even a paragraph or two—on how that person would achieve (or advise you to handle or achieve) your big goal. What do your “mentors” believe about your goal that you would be much better off believing? Keep in mind the fact that you can have as many of these kinds of “mentors” as you want—even different ones for different things you’re trying to accomplish. With this exercise, think of them (your “mentors”) as your “strongest self” (or even the voice of that part of you that “could accomplish anything” you set out to do) which you can access 24 hours a day.

Is there an actual mentor, coach, or therapist who is now available to you in person that you could reach out to for help in manifesting your goal or removing one or more obstacles to it? The best mentors for you are generally people who have and are still accomplishing for themselves what you are now striving to do. If you’re unable to get off the dime or you can see yourself falling into one of those predictable traps on your list, consider getting the help you need to get moving―now or as soon as possible―as an important step in your manifesting you goal. Remember, time is the one commodity that cannot be replaced, once it’s gone.

We are taking a little break for the holidays. Please come back right after the New Year for new blogs and much more as we revise StageClimbing.com and give you new tools to help you reach your potential in any area of your life that you would like to work on. Look for our blogs to resume on January 3, 2012.

Since your view of charity (giving/receiving of time, money, or other tangibles to/from others) is a very personal matter, the short answer is no. Contributions of time or money to charity or a cause you support is a situation where your unique values prevail. Your true motive is what tells the story. For example, at Stage Seven, your contribution may be a result of your inspiration to benefit the world or a certain deserving subset of it for a cause in which you believe. At times, this could even make your own life more complicated or difficult than it would be otherwise. At Stage Six, it could be the opportunity to do some type of work that you enjoy doing for a charity, which you don’t have the opportunity to perform as a part of your career or regular life. At Stage Five, it could possibly be to fulfill the expected role of giving back (and besides, giving tangibles to charity is tax-deductible). At Stage Four, it could be to receive the praise and recognition that often comes from others as a result of giving (many charities even publish the names of their donors, partially for that purpose). Another way to put it is that Fours (as well as Twos) can act like Sevens when the “cameras are rolling.” At Stage Three, you may be giving merely to stay out of hell; Stage Two, to convince others that you have pure intentions, so that they fall prey to a scam of yours; and/or Stage One in order, somehow, to actually receive that charity’s help.

Sevens need no recognition for their acts of charity and kindness. When you are operating at this highest stage, the ability to move the world or a segment of it  (perhaps just one person) in the right direction with respect to something you feel strongly about—where nothing extrinsic for yourself is expected in return— is all the motivation you need. Only you know your true motivations. However, no matter what stage you are starting from, take a moment to visualize the impact your contribution it will have. When that vision can trigger a feeling of true satisfaction, you are definitely in the Stage Seven zone.